one time my grandma’s doorbell rang and when she went to go answer it she saw this 11-year-old little shit named Johnny who was bouncing around on her porch and she asked him what he wanted and he said ‘toilet paper’ and so now she’s a little confused and she asked him what he wanted it for, but he didn’t really answer her. Anyway she goes and gives him the toilet paper and about 15 minutes later he came back and she asked what he wanted and he said ‘here’s your toilet paper back’ and it had a huge shit wrapped in it and then she told him to get off his porch or she’d beat his ass and he ran so hard.

jinxley:

bambigraham:

jinxley:

my little sister officially turned 10 yesterday and because i’m in another state i couldn’t see her so i called instead to sing happy birthday and when i was done she whispered “gay” and hung up on me

is that the same sister who put her burned hand on your heart because ‘it was so nice and cold’

that would be the sister

hightimeslowtides:

emilygt:

dinosaurs-on-wheels:

where can I uninstall my period

i think if you download pregnancy it blocks it for a few months but then you get a really annoying loud pop up that doesn’t go away for 18 years

omg

image

zagreus-taking-time-apart:

steampoweredsass:

zagreus-taking-time-apart:

We teach kids to fear animals like rats, snakes, spiders, etc. that are harmless 99% of the time but do we ever warn them about the real danger

image

WHY DOES IT HAVE TEETH ON ITS TONGUE

I am a gooseologist and I can tell you that geese live on a healthy diet of children’s souls which can only be properly chewed with unholy tongue teeth

chriskaevil:

DC is being all gritty and “realistic” and Marvel just had a movie where the galaxy is saved by a dance-off and the power of friendship

glitteryobituary:

femme-mermaid27:

As Halloween approaches I feel like half of a Tumblr is like 

image

and the other half is like

image

I am a combination of both these things, all year. 

serkets:

itsgayerinenochian:

creepyjirachi:

"you can’t be just friends with people of the gender you’re attracted to"
myth actually true. i, as a bisexual, can confirm that i have no friends.

pansexuals spend their lives in solitude, with only rocks for company

meanwhile asexuals are friends with everyone. literally every single person on the planet. i do not know how i remember so many names